Monday, April 14, 2014

5 Stages of Using a Port-a-Potty

Saturday, Tommy and I betray our university and drove up to Auburn, Alabama to go all-out redneck with our friends at the Alpha Psi Rodeo. We had a BLAST!

There was incredibly beautiful weather here in Alabama, sunny with a high of 78 and no humidity, a rare combination. We played games, watched bulls buck cowboys, hung out with some old friends and met a bunch of fun new people, and got to see Alan Jackson perform! His music is the soundtrack of my childhood and I had forgotten just how many great songs he has. Exhibit A:

There was one tiny hitch in the day, though. It's the problem with most outdoor events. Can you guess? Yes, I am talking about outdoor lavatories.

Is there anyone who actually enjoys using these plastic outhouses? I really doubt it but, hey, if they exist there will probably be a show for them on MTV soon. As for the rest of us, Port-a-Johns become a necessary evil, like paying for gas or eating salad. You have to do it but, Lord, how you don't want to.

I've put together this list of the 5 Stages of Using a Port-a-Potty so that you know that you'll know that you aren't facing this alone.

1. Denial
It's pretty early in the day and you've only started to feel a little tingle deep in your lower abdomen. "I don't really have to go." you think, "I'll just hold it and the feeling will go away."

2. Anger
At this point you have come to the realization that what you're feeling is definitely your body's desire to release fluids and you're mad about it. "Why did I drink so fast?! I know better than that! Why do I have this thimble-sized bladder? WHY, GOD? WHY??"

3. Bargaining 
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. 
  • I'll slow down and maybe I can put it off for a little while.
  • The line is so long... I'll just wait until it dies down.
But, try as you may, none of this will help. Plus, we both know that you're going to laugh at the girl when she walks into the truck's side mirror for the third time.

4. Depression
This is the longest stage and occurs from the moment you start walking towards the bank of Porta Loos and will continue throughout the first use. Issues in this stage range from "It smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food!" to "Don't people aim????" and "There's no toilet paper... Twerk dry?" and in the worst case scenarios, "IT'S OVERFLOWING!!!!"

No matter how clean these toilet huts may be, they're still pretty gross. Especially when competing with 20,000 other people for a seat.

5. Acceptance 
Well, you've broken the barrier and there's no stopping you now. Feeling a little defiled, you've now come to terms with the fact that this is part of the experience when attending a 15-hour outdoor event. You realize that when it comes down to it, the smelly trips to the Port-a-Potty are worth all the fun you'll have and memories you're making. You also realize that the chances of getting your hands on some actual toilet paper are slim so you make sure that all future trips include a pocket full of napkins.

So don't worry if you're main concern is what you're going to do when it all hits the fan, you're in good company. Just try to put aside your apprehension and enjoy the day.

A little Alan Jackson to sing you out: