5 Stages of Using a Port-a-Potty

Saturday, Tommy and I betray our university and drove up to Auburn, Alabama to go all-out redneck with our friends at the Alpha Psi Rodeo. We had a BLAST!

There was incredibly beautiful weather here in Alabama, sunny with a high of 78 and no humidity, a rare combination. We played games, watched bulls buck cowboys, hung out with some old friends and met a bunch of fun new people, and got to see Alan Jackson perform! His music is the soundtrack of my childhood and I had forgotten just how many great songs he has. Exhibit A:

There was one tiny hitch in the day, though. It's the problem with most outdoor events. Can you guess? Yes, I am talking about outdoor lavatories.

Is there anyone who actually enjoys using these plastic outhouses? I really doubt it but, hey, if they exist there will probably be a show for them on MTV soon. As for the rest of us, Port-a-Johns become a necessary evil, like paying for gas or eating salad. You have to do it but, Lord, how you don't want to.

I've put together this list of the 5 Stages of Using a Port-a-Potty so that you know that you'll know that you aren't facing this alone.

1. Denial
It's pretty early in the day and you've only started to feel a little tingle deep in your lower abdomen. "I don't really have to go." you think, "I'll just hold it and the feeling will go away."

2. Anger
At this point you have come to the realization that what you're feeling is definitely your body's desire to release fluids and you're mad about it. "Why did I drink so fast?! I know better than that! Why do I have this thimble-sized bladder? WHY, GOD? WHY??"

3. Bargaining 
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control. 

• I'll slow down and maybe I can put it off for a little while.
• The line is so long... I'll just wait until it dies down.
• GOD, IF YOU TAKE IT AWAY I WON'T MAKE FUN OF THE CLEARLY WASTED GIRL EVER AGAIN! 

But, try as you may, none of this will help. Plus, we both know that you're going to laugh at the girl when she walks into the truck's side mirror for the third time.

4. Depression
This is the longest stage and occurs from the moment you start walking towards the bank of Porta Loos and will continue throughout the first use. Issues in this stage range from "It smells like a used diaper filled with Indian food!" to "Don't people aim????" and "There's no toilet paper... Twerk dry?" and in the worst case scenarios, "IT'S OVERFLOWING!!!!"

No matter how clean these toilet huts may be, they're still pretty gross. Especially when competing with 20,000 other people for a seat.

5. Acceptance 
Well, you've broken the barrier and there's no stopping you now. Feeling a little defiled, you've now come to terms with the fact that this is part of the experience when attending a 15-hour outdoor event. You realize that when it comes down to it, the smelly trips to the Port-a-Potty are worth all the fun you'll have and memories you're making. You also realize that the chances of getting your hands on some actual toilet paper are slim so you make sure that all future trips include a pocket full of napkins.

So don't worry if you're main concern is what you're going to do when it all hits the fan, you're in good company. Just try to put aside your apprehension and enjoy the day.

A little Alan Jackson to sing you out:

For a little inspiration

Today has been a day. It has been a day that's beat me down and made me question everything I'm currently building my future on. It's been a day when I have to remind myself that it won't be like this for long. That some days are just hard and that doesn't mean it's time to give up, even if that's what it feels like. It's been a day of multiple extra-strength Excedrin because my normal natural remedies have failed to ease my throbbing headache. Today has been bad. As I take a break from the mountain of textbooks, lesson plans, and student data piled in front of me to write this entry, I am discouraged. I feel like Hillary Swank in the first 20 minutes of Freedom Writers. What am I doing? What am I doing? Can I do this? What if I can't?

But I can. I know I can. It's just a bad day, not a bad life. And it's all worth it. I just need to be reminded. 

It's going to be worth it. Today is over, tomorrow will be better.

NOTICE: Taylor Mali has some language but I felt the overall message was more important. 

Illegitimate and Unproven

This weekend I've come down with some really nasty cold/flu/sinus infection mess. I pride myself on the fact that I don't get sick very often but when I do, man, it hits like a ton of bricks!

Of course, you can't be sick and have nothing to do. That would be too easy! I've also spent the weekend completing the first half of Lifeguard training. Training has actually been fun but giving CPR ventilations would be a lot easier if I could properly get air into my own lungs before blowing into the dummy's. Yesterday was absolute hell trying to get through the day without giving up. There was fever, coughing, lots of gross nose stuff, aches, and even a little vomit. I have neither the time nor the money for a visit to the doctor and anyone who normally takes care of me was out of town so I had to treat myself. Today was much, much better so I thought I'd share my secret to getting over colds fast.

Bethany's Completely Illegitimate and Unproven Cure for Icky Sicky Crap

As soon as possible, go to Target and pick up the following:
1 gallon of orange juice with lots of pulp
1 bag of original Hawaiian rolls
Mio in your favorite flavor (I like fruit punch or lemonade)
Vick's Vapor Rub
Robitussin Daytime Cold+Flu if, like me, you're unfortunate enough to have to participate in life.

You'll also need cotton socks, a nighttime medicine, and a praying mamma if you don't have them already as well as a copy of your favorite movie. My go-to movie is You've Got Mail. I like to pretend I'm as adorable and charming as a flu-ridden 1998 Meg Ryan when I actually resemble a Walker from The Walking Dead.

Once home with all the needed supplies, change into your baggiest, least attractive sweats. Pour yourself one cup of orange juice and one very large class of ice water flavored with Mio. The juice will replenish electrolytes and vitamins while the water hydrates and flushes your system. Place the glasses within arm's reach of your bed. Open the bag of rolls and place near the drinks.
Next, slather the bottoms of your feet, yes feet, with Vick's vapor rub and cover with cotton socks. This will help with any congestion. Don't ask me why, but it works.
Finally, take a dose of the nighttime medicine, pop in your movie, and get into bed. Finish both drinks before drifting off the sleep and eat the rolls with semi-reckless abandonment. You're sick, you deserve them. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about the carbs.
I try to go to bed as soon as I get home so that I can get 10+ hours. I believe that rest is the best thing you can possibly do and since this is the only weekend I'm not bogged down in school assignments, I took full advantage and got a whopping 14 hours.
 The next day you should feel like a whole new person! I was able to do in-water rescues without drowning! Remember to take a dose of Robitussin every 4 hours and keep hydrated.

If this doesn't work for you, well, I'm not a doctor. Why are you taking my advice?

I also make my own cough syrup now that I'm of age (actually, my Pawpaw gave this to me as a kid. Don't tell!)
2 Tbs Whiskey, warmed
Squeeze of lemon
Bit of honey

It will definitely quiet your cough, soothe your throat, and make you feel all warm inside, even if you're a wimp like me and gag a little. Seriously though,  only 2 tablespoons. Don't get lousy off the cough syrup, ya filthy animal.

Nanny Diaries: a funny, a sweet, and a gross

For a year and a half now I have been the proud full-time nanny for the three silly little Potter girls: Rylee, 7 years; Emory, 3 years; and Lucy, 18 months. In that time I have learned a lot about kids and myself and yesterday reminded me of all the reasons I love my job, as well as how strong my stomach has gotten!

It was Ashlee's (Potter mommy) birthday on Thursday so I hung out with the girls extra late so that the Potter parents could celebrate like adults with adult friends. We made a totally pool party day of it and had a blast!

Funny

While in the car we always listen to Disney songs on shuffle from my iPod for the simple reason that the girls love them and I don't have to answer a million questions about why I have so many love songs and why did "they" break up. So we're driving to the pool yesterday morning and playing "I've Got A Dream" from Tangled and Rylee takes particular notice of an unfamiliar phrase. 

The line goes: "I've always yearned to be a concert pianist!"

but Rylee turns to me and asks: "Bethany, what's a concrete penis?"

OH MY GOSH! I almost wrecked the car for laughing so hard!*  

Sweet

Around 2, after stuffing ourselves with pizza my mom brought and playing in the sun, I had to make a drug store run to pick up a prescription and more swim diapers because Lucy was blowing through them! But when I walked off to my car without Lucy she squirmed down from her chair and waddle-ran after me and threw herself on the concrete sobbing. I couldn't just leave her there with my mom when she was being pitiful, so I loaded her up and took her with me. She was being very good waiting in the long line and quietly yammering on in baby speak about whatever she saw. 

I've been with Lucy since she was 15 days old and I've gotten pretty attached to her. I love all the girls, but its quiet time that reminds me of my special connection with this kid. I kissed her little forehead and gave her a squeeze. She looked up at me, giggled and returned it with a sloppy, open-mouth, baby kiss on my cheek, gave me "taters" (a fist bump), and snuggled her head on my shoulder. I love Lucy and I am really going to miss her when I grow up.

Gross

We finished our pool day around 6, ate and played at Chick-fil-A, and finally got back to their house for baths and bedtime. Poor Lucy has missed her nap for three days in a row so she was barely out of the bath water before she nodded off. Emory convinced herself that she wasn't sleepy long enough to make it to the couch and curl up next to Rylee before passing out. I had Rylee hide so that I could tell Emory that everyone was in bed and she needed to be too. Yes lying is bad, but I at times like this I don't care much!

I picked Em up and started to carry her to her room went the perfect day went to pot. She raised her head to say, "Where my mo--" VOMIT SPEWING EVERYWHERE! On my face, in our hair, down the left side of my body. I stood her on the floor, more puke. Grabbed her hand and drug her to the bathroom to finish, leaving a trail down the hallway. I kid you not, it looked like the scene from Sixth Sense! I put her in the bathtub (she was so groggy that she couldn't understand why she needed two baths) and went to clean up, but luckily (luckily?) their giant red lab, Forbin, had already eaten most of it. I tucked Em in bed, borrowed some clothes from Ashlee, and washed my hair in the sink. When I got home I super scrubbed myself before Tommy or the dog could love on me. 

Kids are so pitiful and confused when they get sick. When she was in the bath Emory looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I so sorry. I need clean up the floor, Bee?". Broke my heart. She's so precious, even when she's a barf monster. To think that I used to get sick at the sight of baby spit up. I was such a weenie! 

Hope you weren't eating when you read this! Happy weekend!

*I did not actually "nearly wreck"

**Couldn't find a recent picture of all three girls. Age that one about a year and you've got it!

what a crappy morning

Ugh!

This morning has been crappy!
I know, I know. It could be worse. It can always be worse, but I'm just going to take some time a complain anyway.

In English this week we are having 20 minute individual conferences to go over our papers. My appointment was at 8:40 this morning. If we miss our appointment it is the equivalent of being absent twice.

This morning I tried printing my paper off from my Netbook (side note: I will never ever buy another netbook. They do not work like other computers, espcially when you need them to.) and it decides to take to take half an hour to start up! Because I have thirty minutes to waste in the mornings! When It finally does open and let me get the file, the printer starts printing five copies of the wrong paper then freezes before I can get to the right one!

I am suuuupppper mad at this point so I jerk my computer up and drive off to school late. Because I'm late there are no parking spots left in my entire lot and I ended up being the perfectly capable jerk who parked in the handicap space. I justified it by telling myself I would only be parked there for a little while and I never seen any cars in those spaces. Why are they putting handicap spots out that far anyway?!

Then I ran as fast as I could -- I'm not all that fast --  all the way from the Aquatics Center to Gorgus Library. I'm a pretty awkward runner, my arms flail and a makes weird faces, but add a boucing backpack and I look a lot like Captain Jack. When I finally make it to the downstairs Gorgus Cafe at 8:45 I'm sweaty, I'm late, and my shoes are soaked through from the damp grass but I haven't missed the appointment!

There's another girl sitting with my teach so I assume it's the last appointment running long and wait patiently. When nine o'clock comes around and the girl leaves, my teacher looks at me an says
"Oh, I'm sorry. You missed your appointment."
WHAT?! I was HERE! I was a few minutes late, but I was RIGHT HERE! That's what I'm thinking, but all I can say is sorry, over and over again. So I lost half my points and had to reschedule for 12:20 tomorrow when I really should be at work.

Sorry for the long post, but today sucks.
How's your day going? Better I hope!

*Captain Jack from here

attack of the clumsies

Yup, that's me! I am in a world of awkward pain right now because I got mugged by my clumsiness Friday!

If you've known me for any length of time you know that I am not the most graceful person God ever made. Far from it actually. I can fall of anything almost anywhere, even if it seems impossible. Have you ever fallen out of a passenger seat while buckled? Exactly. Klutzy Bethany started to disappear after I had been cheering for a few years. The new muscle was doing some serious good to my coordination! I wasn't exactly normal, but it was pretty close!

Now that I haven't been cheering--I can't believe it's been three years!--my clumsiness has started slowly creeping back up. I drop more, I stumble more, but no big deal. Until Friday, when I had two of the most epic falls of my life!

Epic Spill Number 1

Syd and I had walked all the way to Hooligan's and back for lunch so I was running a little behind to pick the kids up and I decided to rush to the Crimson Ride to make it to my car faster. As I jumped, or tried to jump, over the barrier my foot caught on the chain and my body slammed face-first into the sidewalk! SMACK! I fell with a lot of momentum so my feet came over my head behind me, causing my backpack to go over my head and trap me! I had to roll out from under it! I would've busted my face but I happened to be wearing a hat and the bill hit first! Hooray for hats! 

The bus drove off without me, I scraped my knee (it bled all down my leg), crushed my to-go cup, and of course there were a TON of people around! Nothing was really but my pride and Sydney was laughing so hard, I couldn't even be embarrassed! Instead, I was that weird kid giggling to myself on the walk back to my car.

Epic Spill Number 2

At work later I'd cleaned up my knee and put the babies down for a nap before 2:45 when I meet Rylee at the bus stop at the end of the street. Since I didn't have to push stroller, I decided to be an awesome babysitter and bring Ry her scooter to ride home. About halfway to the stop I think,

"Hey! It would be faster and way more fun if I rode her scooter down there!"

Bad, bad idea. (1) I haven't ridden I scooter in about 8 years and (2) this is a child's toy. It's itty-bitty! But that doesn't cross my mind as I hop on and go speeding down the street because I am way too cool to worry. I forgot how much hill effect scooter speed and started going too fast. The wheels started wobbling and I knew I was going to crash, but I'm too awesome to crash so, forgetting about the break, I casually jump off the speeding death-trap and run beside it. Scooter is going too fast, I run slow, my legs lose it, scooter falls and I good sliding across the pavement and roll to the sidewalk!

I don't know how many of you have ever slid across hot asphalt with your bear skin, but I DO NOT recommend it! Oh it hurt so bad! It's like a crazy painful carpet burn. There is now no skin on my left elbow, a huge scab on my left knee, and a fierce burn on my hip. I can't wear bandages because it sticks to the skin. If I bend too far they all rip open and I can't breathe. It is super hard to wash my hair and wear anything on my lower half but undies. 

I'm just sooo glad I had that hat on.

How's your week going?

Are you clumsy like me?

If so, please please please tell me about your biggest wipe out! 

the mysterious case of the stank

With my car, Eunice, there is never a dull moment. This year alone she been hit by a trailer hitch (it wasn't my fault this time believe it or not!), been rear-ended, popped a tire, annnnd bent an axel! But that's all before the arctic downpour! 

Tuesday morning I get in my car and a rancid, sicky-sweet smell nearly knocks me down! It's grossing me out just thinking about it! I couldn't figure out what it was! The girls have spilt ice cream in the car before and Lucy has gotten sick on the seats and there's always milk dripping from someone's cup, but I had cleaned all that up! My headliner leaked and water had gotten in the car, maybe the dampness caused all the old smells to stink back up? 

So I'm driving around with ALL my windows down and my head out to breathe for about four days and the smell still won't go away! UGH! It was awful!! I get in Thursday morning after class and can't see out of my rearview because the liner on the sunroof has come off and is hanging down the middle of the car like a big, nasty divider! The foamy stuff is flying out everywhere! It got all in my Pumpkin Spice latte...ewe. I took Eunice to my parents so that maybe they could figure it out. 

Mom, Tom, and I dug all through the car cleaning everything when mom pulled down the back seats... and there they were. All wet and smelly and sticky. BLUH! A ton of mini marshmallows in the very back of my trunk soaked from the rain and spoiling! I don't know how they even got back there?!? I don't eat marshmallows unless we're camping and then I eat them all. Who know marshmallows could go bad? Or that they let off such a terrible, terrible smell?!

We scraped the mallows out of my trunk and Resolved and Fabreezed it until it smelled like a happy hillside! It still stinks a little but nothing like before. Thank Jesus! 

Have you ever smelt a smelly smell in your house or car and didn't know where it came from?

Did you figure it out or did it just go away?